Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)

Started by bayonetbrant, January 31, 2012, 01:01:37 PM

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Martok

^  Ha, fantastic!  18 and 42 were my favorites. 
"Like we need an excuse to drink to anything..." - Banzai_Cat
"I like to think of it not as an excuse but more like Pavlovian Response." - Sir Slash

"At our ages, they all look like jailbait." - mirth

"If we had lines here that would have crossed all of them. For the 1,077,986th time." - Gusington

"Government is so expensive that it should at least be entertaining." - airboy

"As long as there's bacon, everything will be all right." - Toonces

bob48

Oh heck, some of those are flippin' brilliant.

36! hoo hoo  :DD
'We few, we happy few, we band of brothers'

'Clip those corners'

Recombobulate the discombobulators!

bayonetbrant

updated version of "why did the chicken cross the road"

QuoteWhy did the Chicken Cross the Road - 2016 Version
DONALD TRUMP:
We will build a huge wall to keep illegal chickens from crossing the road. We will have a door for legal chickens.

JOHN KERRY:
We will trust the chicken to tell us whether it crossed the road or not.

CHRIS CHRISTIE:
We need to water board that chicken to find out why it crossed the road.

RAND PAUL:
It's none of our business why the chicken crossed the road.

NANCY PELOSI:
We will have to wait until the chicken crosses the road to see what it says.

CARLY FIORINA:
Hillary Clinton lied about why the chicken crossed the road.

BRIAN WILLIAMS:
I crossed the road with the chicken.

BEN CARSON:
This isn't brain surgery. Not to look for pyramids .... it wanted grain.

SARAH PALIN:
The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA:
Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

HILLARY CLINTON :
What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road?

GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with that chicken.

BERNIE SANDERS:
That little chicken will pay 90% income taxes no matter what side of the road it's on. He's got to help finance free college even for those that just want a four year vacation.

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all these chickens white?
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

A life form walks into an intoxicant dispensing facility and says to the technician, 'You hear the latest Klingon joke?'
The technician says, 'I should warn you, I'm Klingon.'
So the life form says, 'All right then, I'll tell it slowly.'
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

besilarius

It was on this day in 1789 that Ben Franklin wrote this famous phrase: "In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." The words were the second half of a sentence he'd written in a letter his friend Jean-Baptiste Leroy. It was shortly after the United States Constitution had been ratified, and his entire sentence was this: "Our new Constitution is now established, and has an appearance that promises permanency, but in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."

In these times, it can be hard to know whether to laugh or to cry.
"Most gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess, and you don't find out until too late that he's been playing with two queens all along".  Terry Pratchett.

During filming of Airplane, Leslie Nielsen used a whoopee cushion to keep the cast off-balance. Hays said that Nielsen "played that thing like a maestro"

Tallulah Bankhead: "I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me."

"When all other trusts fail, turn to Flashman." — Abraham Lincoln.

"I have enjoyed very warm relations with my two husbands."
"With your eyes closed?"
"That helped."  Lauren Bacall

Master Chiefs are sneaky, dastardly, and snarky miscreants who thrive on the tears of Ensigns and belly dancers.   Admiral Gerry Bogan.

bayonetbrant

The Maid asks for a raise...which upsets the wife.
She asks, "Now, Maria, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Maria: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maria: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The second reason is that I cook better food than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Maria: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Maria: "The third reason is that I screw better than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Martok

"Like we need an excuse to drink to anything..." - Banzai_Cat
"I like to think of it not as an excuse but more like Pavlovian Response." - Sir Slash

"At our ages, they all look like jailbait." - mirth

"If we had lines here that would have crossed all of them. For the 1,077,986th time." - Gusington

"Government is so expensive that it should at least be entertaining." - airboy

"As long as there's bacon, everything will be all right." - Toonces

BanzaiCat

What goes, "Marc! Marc!"
  [spoiler]-- A dog with a harelip.[/spoiler]

What goes, "Nort! Nort!"
  [spoiler]-- A bull with a cleft palate.[/spoiler]

What was Hellen Keller's favorite color?
  [spoiler]-- Corduroy.[/spoiler]






Windigo

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My wife insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know.

BanzaiCat


trailrunner

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night, thought you might like to come. About 5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ... be some drinkin."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ... just gonna be the two of us."

bayonetbrant

There is a guy who wakes up at 5 am and rides a bicycle until noon every weekend. He does this no matter what - regardless of rain, snow, or thunder.
One day, however, the conditions are just too bad for him to ride his bike. There is a thick hail, brutal winds, and very slippery ice patches. Finally, after an hour, he decides to go home.
He lies down next to his wife, who is asleep and says: "The weather is terrible outside."
Half awake the wife replies: "And to think that my idiot husband is outside riding his bicycle."
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Martok

Seen that one before, but it's still a classic.  :D 
"Like we need an excuse to drink to anything..." - Banzai_Cat
"I like to think of it not as an excuse but more like Pavlovian Response." - Sir Slash

"At our ages, they all look like jailbait." - mirth

"If we had lines here that would have crossed all of them. For the 1,077,986th time." - Gusington

"Government is so expensive that it should at least be entertaining." - airboy

"As long as there's bacon, everything will be all right." - Toonces

Windigo

Two blondes are walking in NYC and one asks, " which is closer, the moon or Florida?" And the other responds, "duh...


... can you see Florida from here?"
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My wife insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know.