Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)

Started by bayonetbrant, January 31, 2012, 01:01:37 PM

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bayonetbrant

We had Sheryl Crow's "If It Makes You Happy" playing through the CVC system on our tank at the gunnery range, as we're in line to shoot our day run.
She gets to the line "I'm not the kind of girl you take home..."

So I key the mike and ask, rhetorically, "How does she know she's the not the kind of girl I take home?"

My gunner comes back with "Sir, what she means is, she's not the kind of girl that'll go home with you."

All I could do was admire the snapiness of the comeback ;D
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

Person 1: Knock knock.

Person 2: Who's there?

Person 1: Control freak.

Person 1: Now you say "control freak who?"
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

Two ducks are running along on the sidewalk, one of them sees a low-hanging tree branch up ahead and yells, "PEOPLE!"
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

A women goes to her doctor, says: "Doctor, I think my husband is hobosexual."

The confused doctor asks, "Do you mean he's gay?"

The woman replies, "no, he's a fucking bum!"
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

Have you heard the news about corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

LongBlade

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

TheCommandTent

Would you like a little butter with that corn bayonetbrant?  :P
"No wants, no needs, we weren't meant for that, none of us.  Man stagnates if he has no ambition, no desire to be more than he is."

Marty Ward

Some philosophical sayings

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.

Make love, not war. Hell, do both GET MARRIED!

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

If women had apostrophes instead of periods they would be even more possessive!

Marty Ward

I know it's old but ...

Versatile Use of the word Fuck
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck, she's also stupid).
As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
Greetings - "How the fuck are ya?"
Fraud - "I got fucked by the car dealer."
Resignation - "Oh, fuck it!"
Trouble - "I guess I'm fucked now."
Aggression - "FUCK YOU!"
Disgust - "Fuck me."
Confusion - "What the fuck.......?"
Difficulty - "I don't understand this fucking business!"
Despair - "Fucked again..."
Pleasure - "I fucking couldn't be happier."
Displeasure - "What the fuck is going on here?"
Lost - "Where the fuck are we."
Disbelief - "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
Retaliation - "Up your fucking ass!"
Denial - "I didn't fucking do it."
Perplexity - "I know fuck all about it."
Apathy - "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
Greetings - "How the fuck are ya?"
Suspicion - "Who the fuck are you?"
Panic - "Let's get the fuck out of here."
Directions - "Fuck off."
Disbelief - "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?"
Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun."
John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?"
Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll."
Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive."
Commander of Space Shuttle Challenger
"What fucking map?"
Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that."
Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!"
Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?"
Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?"
Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck."
Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!"
Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?"
Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass."
Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
John F. Kennedy
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

If women had apostrophes instead of periods they would be even more possessive!

bayonetbrant

Quote from: Marty Ward on May 22, 2012, 08:24:55 AM"Let the fucking woman drive."
Commander of Space Shuttle Challenger

I'm pulling the red card on this one.  Much of this is funny, but this one's a humor FAIL.

The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

From the totally awesome Duffel Blog

QuoteMazar-i-Sharif, Afghanistan – In a tragic accident earlier today, aircraft belonging to the International Security Assistance Force (ISAF) inadvertently killed 51 Afghans today near the city of Mazar-i-Sharif while attempting to drop candy to a group of children.

According to accounts from both Afghans and international observers, two NATO aircraft, later identified as American C-130s, made a low pass over a village of several hundred Afghans outside the city.

Approximately 1.4 million M&Ms were to be delivered via Container Delivery System in a single package with a weight of 1500 lbs. Due to a malfunction in the static line, the parachute failed to deploy and the container crashed through the roof of a local school at nearly 100 miles per hour.

Upon impact, the force of the rapidly settling candies caused the sides to explode outward, causing what physics professor Dr. Rosella Schwartz described as, "essentially a 360 degree anti-personnel mine full of chocolate flechettes."

By "flechettes", Schwartz is referring to the M&Ms' candy shells, which shattered and spalled upon entering the bodies of the victims and also caused more numerous and severe secondary injuries.

Dr. Manuel Velez of the Red Cross, one of the first medical personnel at the site of the impact, had a similar assessment of the candy shells' damage.

"I've seen a lot of injuries inflicted on civilians by military ordnance, but this was much worse," Velez said, stooping to change the bandages on one of the victims while pointing out the many blue, green, and yellow splotches.

"The worst were the peanut M&Ms. The soft chocolate acted as a sabot around the peanuts, so basically these things were candy-coated penetrator rounds."

ISAF spokesperson Colonel Mark Marshall, who spoke to reporters today at a press conference in Kabul, said the candy drop was only the latest phase of a new operation called "Reese's for Peaces."  He added that while ISAF regrets the accidental loss of civilian life, it would not deter them working to relieve the suffering of the Afghan people.

Sources at ISAF headquarters in Kabul said the operation was first proposed by Deputy Commander General Bill Whitehead as a way to help boost the morale of Afghans as western forces began their long-anticipated drawdown.

General Whitehead said he first got the idea after reading a book about the 1948 Berlin Airlift.  After finishing their cargo deliveries, American pilots would drop pieces of candy to impoverished children, which earned the United States a lot of good publicity.

"Counterinsurgency is all about winning the hearts and minds of the people," said General Whitehead, "and as we transition to a much smaller footprint, the Air Force is going to have to take on some of the roles traditionally filled by soldiers, such as handing out candy."

In early March, General Whitehead gave ISAF the authority to begin planning a series of humanitarian airdrops over population centers in Afghanistan. Operation "Reese's for Peaces" was launched two weeks later, with MQ-9 Reapers dropping several tons of licorice on Kandahar.

Over the next few weeks, ISAF warplanes dropped tons of assorted chocolates, sweets, and even ice cream over the war-torn country.  Other NATO countries also took part, with French planes dropping bon bons and German planes dropping Bavarian chocolate. The United States, however, is contributing the bulk of the candy being used in the operation.

The incident in Mazar-i-Sharif is unfortunately not the first setback for "Reese's for Peaces".  Other blunders included a crate-load of Baby Ruth bars being dropped short of its target on March 19 and plowing into a bus full of madrassa students, killing 22.  On April 27, several Snickers bars hit a wedding party near Kunduz, killing 35.  And on May 8, several packs of Starbursts inadvertently hit an orphanage and killed 8 children and an adorable kitten named Mittens.

Following the press conference, Colonel Marshall tried to exit the podium, but tripped and crashed into a group of civilians, killing 9.
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Marty Ward

Quote from: bayonetbrant on May 22, 2012, 08:30:01 AM
Quote from: Marty Ward on May 22, 2012, 08:24:55 AM"Let the fucking woman drive."
Commander of Space Shuttle Challenger

I'm pulling the red card on this one.  Much of this is funny, but this one's a humor FAIL.



WTF, you're ok with a Kennedy head shot line but not that one? :)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

If women had apostrophes instead of periods they would be even more possessive!

bayonetbrant

Quote from: Marty Ward on May 22, 2012, 09:01:22 AMWTF, you're ok with a Kennedy head shot line but not that one? :)

I didn't make it to Kennedy.  That was pretty tasteless, too.  :-\
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Marty Ward

Quote from: bayonetbrant on May 22, 2012, 09:05:50 AM
Quote from: Marty Ward on May 22, 2012, 09:01:22 AMWTF, you're ok with a Kennedy head shot line but not that one? :)

I didn't make it to Kennedy. 

Neither did Kennedy! (tasteless I know but WTFC)
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

If women had apostrophes instead of periods they would be even more possessive!

bob48

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None - its a hardware problem.
'We few, we happy few, we band of brothers'

'Clip those corners'

Recombobulate the discombobulators!