Random Star Wars Thread

bayonetbrant · April 09, 2017, 07:25:15 AM

shamelessly stolen from Facebook:
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An Average Meeting of the Imperial Security Council on Coruscant
"Order, order, everybody! Now, subcommander, what is the first order of business on the schedule?"
"Sir, our imperial spies have picked up signs of increasing Rebel activity on Dardooine."
"If I may, your excellency?"
"Yes, Admiral, go ahead."
"I think what they need is a good dose of a Death Star!"
"Well, that may be a bit premature, Admiral, especially if we have not yet confirmed a major Rebel presence on Dardooine."
"Sir, sir!"
"Yes, General?"
"What if we sent TWO Death Stars?"
"That's a bit too on the nose, I'm afraid."
"One Death Star and a small moon painted to look like a second Death Star?"
"I think not. Commander, did you have an idea?"
"Yes. What if we sent a Death Star still under construction?"
"Send an unfinished Death Star? What an odd suggestion."
"But think of how they'll react when they see a fully armed and operational battle station!"
"Be that as it may, Commander. Does anybody else have an idea? Anyone? Yes, you, vice-admiral."
"Sir, I think we should send in a squadron of Star Destroyers to show the population of Dardooine that flirting with the Rebellion can bring only pain and destruction."
"I see, I see. And then—?"
"Then we bring in a Death Star and blow the whole planet to smithereens!"
"No Death Stars!"
"But it would be like millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced!"
"I don't care what it would be like, I don't want a Death Star."
"Sir, what if we had a very very tiny Death Star?"
"What?"
"Yes, yes, no one would even realize it was a Death Star until it was too late. We could call it the Little Death Star!"
"It doesn't matter what the size of it is, there are to be no Death Stars in our reaction!"
.....
"Well, doesn't anyone have a suggestion?"
"Umm, sir, I..."
"What is it, general?"
"I may have an idea."
"Does it involve a Death Star?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, sir. My idea is that we send hundreds of Imperial Probe Droids to Dardooine to infiltrate the population and eavesdrop in public places."
"Yes, then what?"
"If any of the Droids were able to confirm a Rebel presence, they could return to the Death Star and we—"
"I thought you said your plan didn't involve a Death Star!"
"Oh, did you mean not involve one *at all*, sir?"
"Yes, that's what I meant!"
"You should have said that straight off, sir."
"How could I have made myself any more clear?"
"I don't know, sir."
"Then sit down. Really, how are we to crush the Rebellion and bring peace to the galaxy if our solution to every little crisis is to send in a Death Star?"
"I don't know, sir."
"Do you think Death Stars grow on trees? I assure you, general, they do not. Do you think that you can just pop into any old wretched hive of scum and villainy and just purchase a Death Star?"
"No, sir."
"What was that, general? I didn't quite hear you. Speak up."
"No, you can't just buy a Death Star off the rack."
"That's *right*, general, you can't. One must *construct* a Death Star. And it isn't easy. The security costs alone are enormous. You have to do background checks on every employee. None of them can be Bothans. It doesn't matter how many die, if you let even one in, you're ruined. And when you think you've gotten rid of all the Bothans, all of a sudden it isn't even Bothans you've got to worry about, it is the daughter of one of your engineers. So then you have to do genealogical work on everybody."
"Yes, sir."
"I'm just getting started. Then you have to make sure no one has reprogrammed any Imperial Security Droids. And where do you keep copies of the Death Star plans? And what if a Death Star has some critical weakness that everybody has overlooked. Sure, everybody loves Death Stars, but believe me, they are more trouble than they are worth."
"Yes, sir. Sorry, sir."
"Okay, then. Now, does anybody here, anybody at all, have a plan for resolving the situation on Dardooine that does *not* involve a Death Star. Not one Death Star, not two Death Stars, not a squadron of them. Not a small Death Star, not an unfinished Death Star. No Death Stars at all. Anyone? Anyone?"
"......Um, Sir."
"Yes, commander? Do you have a plan?"
"Yes, sir, I think I do."
"And it doesn't involve a Death Star?"
"No, sir, no Death Star."
"You're sure about that?"
"Oh, yes, sir, very sure."
"No Death Stars whatsoever?"
"Well, only a little bit, sir."
"What?"
"Well, it hardly involves a Death Star."
"I don't want any Death Stars at all!"
"I see, sir. But I don't think you'd even notice it in my plan, I—"
"NO DEATH STARS! Am I talking to myself? Is no one listening? You, master technician, you've been silent. Tell me your idea—and it had better not involve a Death Star or I will send you to the spice mines of Kessel!"
"Yes, sir. Now, my idea is that we take two battalions of Imperial Voidtroopers and we place them on, we place them on, umm, we place them on a Schmeath Schmar, and we make the hyperjump to—"
"The what?"
"Sir?"
"You said place them on a Schmeath Schmar?"
"Yes, sir, and then we make the hyperjump to—"
"What is a Schmeath Schmar, technician?"
"Well, umm, sir, it's, it's, it's like—"
"Is it at all like a Death Star, technician?"
"It could be, sir."
"That's it, you're on report. All right, I have a bad feeling about this, but I will give you all one more chance before I inform Lord Vader about this meeting. For the last time, does anyone have a plan to handle the Dardooine situation?"
"Sir, I might have a plan."
"Subprefect, I am in no mood for trifling. It had better be good."
"Yes, sir. I propose that we enlist a corps of bounty hunters and pay them well for good intelligence. For good measure, we could also throw in some captured criminals, people who have the death sentence on multiple systems, and promise them their freedom if they succeed."
"Yes?"
"We transport them to Dardooine and infiltrate them into the population, keeping track of them through the intelligence service of the regional governor. With that many operatives, we should be able to locate a Rebel presence."
"Go on."
"Once we have captured several Rebel spies, we can torture them and make them tell us where their secret base is on Dardooine."
"I'm still listening."
"Having identified the location of the base, we send in several platoons of All Terrain Armored Transport walkers, with air support provided by a squadron of TIE fighters. Three Star Destroyers should be enough to interdict orbital paths to prevent any of the Rebels from getting away into space."
"I'm intrigued, subprefect, this just might work. Continue."
"Once we penetrate the Rebel base, we can sift through their comm cores and find the location of all of the remaining operatives and spies they have situated at different locations across the surface of the planet. With that knowledge, we can arrange assassinations and ambushes to take them out in short order."
"Yes?"
"Then, with the Rebel presence annihilated and Imperial control firmly reestablished once again, all that remains is to create an object lesson for other worlds that might so bold as to make contact with the Rebellion."
"And that would be?"
"Sir, I think we send in a Death Star—"
"TO THE SARLACC PIT! ALL OF YOU!"