The Dam Busters 75th Anniversary

Started by JudgeDredd, May 18, 2018, 03:51:38 AM

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JasonPratt

#15
Quote from: bbmike on May 18, 2018, 09:39:34 AM
Jar Jar Abrams. The movie will be called "Dam Busters", it will replace the bombers with flying race cars, the dams will be all white and lens flarey. And the Germans will all look like Sleestak.

Alas, we should be so lucky. "The Last Damn" will be directed by Ruin Johnson.

He will subvert your every expectation by including an ultimately failed half-hour sidequest to give side characters something to do (involving temporarily rescuing Nazi greyhounds from a civilian racing track so they can feel like they accomplished something). Plus the Allies and the Nazis will compete to see who acts more functionally retarded in order to keep the plot conveniences going. Whoever wins, we lose.

The expected pilot of the mission will have to be hunted down and dragged from his surly drunken stupor where he only wants to die (after giving them instructions on where to find him when it's time), by the fresh new pilot who wants to be trained but who is already three times better at everything than the ace vet pilot. The ace will grudgingly agree to teach the hypercompetent newbie only three lessons (but will only teach two, sort of). The stated goal of the lessons will not be to bust the dam, but to convince the pilot that Britain's monarchy is worse than pointless and that the state should be abandoned. After the newbie gives up in frustration and leaves, the ace will throw a hissy fit and go off to burn the instruction books he kept stashed in a tree, but Queen Victoria's ghost will pre-emptively blow up the tree with lightning to destroy the books first, chortling that the ace had never read the instruction books himself and they weren't so great after all, and never mind the newbie already knows more than the instruction books without them. (...oh, uh, the new pilot will be a woman, purely for modern marketing sake. She was a street thief at the start of the film, so don't worry, she already stole the books, unknown to the ace and even to Victoria's ghost, although she'll never need to use them.)

The mission goes badly all around, and the newbie pilot hands off control of the bomber to the less-ace much-older co-pilot to do the boring flying job, while she mans the guns shooting at interceptor planes in a rousing action sequence. On her very first shot ever, she destroys three German jets.

Fortunately, when all hope seems lost of busting the dam, the ace pilot calls the dam on a radio pretending to be on the way to bust it, bluffing the Germans into temporarily evacuating the dam. The strain of phoning this bluff in kills the ace pilot, putting him out of his misery, and the bomber escapes. Great Britain has already capitulated to the Nazis, but news of this ace's great deed is promoted secretly across the nation, and the surviving few Allies are totally certain that this bluff will be the spark that fans the flames to their forthcoming victory over the Nazi Order.


Fans of the original film and of WW2 films in general will whine and moan about the film and how it ruined their childhood, while RJ calls them losers and publicly fellates himself on his massive genius in successfully redefining expectations for WW2 films.

The producers will immediately give him the reins and funds for a separate WW2 trilogy of films.


We will look fondly back on Nazi Sleestaks as a time of unbridled optimism and artistic promise.
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