Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)

[besilarius]

A local business was looking for office help.

They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

[besilarius]

Albert Einstein used to go to dinners where he was invited to give a speech. One day, on his way to one of those dinners, he told his chauffeur (who looked exactly like him) that he was dead tired of giving the same speech, dinner after dinner. "Well," said the chaffeur, "I've got a good idea. Why don't I give the speech since I've heard it so many times?'' So Albert's chauffeur gave the speech perfectly and even answered a few questions. Then, a professor stood up and asked him a really tough question about the nature of space time, which the chauffeur didn't have a prayer of answering.

"Sir, the answer to your question is so easy that I'll let my chauffeur answer it."

[besilarius]

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card: "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

[bayonetbrant]

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.

[steve58]

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave,
cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the
smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire
testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of The
Villages with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and
other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which
suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large
jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was
extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber
pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged
husband's knee cap was all it took...

The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking
away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus
the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible."

[Staggerwing]

Somebody warn Star. Also Mirth, just in case she relocates north.

[bayonetbrant]

[Windigo]

On the night of January 5, 1919, Roosevelt experienced breathing problems. He felt better after treatment from his physician, Dr. George W. Faller, and went to bed. Roosevelt's last words were "Please put out that light, James" to his family servant James Amos. Between 4:00 AM and 4:15 AM the next morning, Roosevelt died in his sleep at Sagamore Hill as a result of a blood clot detaching from a vein and traveling to his lungs.[154] Upon receiving word of his death, his son Archibald telegraphed his siblings simply, "The old lion is dead."[165] Woodrow Wilson's vice president, Thomas R. Marshall, said that "Death had to take Roosevelt sleeping, for if he had been awake, there would have been a fight."

[Martok]

^  I've heard that quote about Teddy many times before, but it never stops being awesome.  :) 

Ha!! 

[Barthheart]

[besilarius]

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired
arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking

across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.

"Hello Sarge."

"Yes."

"It looks like we have a homicide here."

"What happened?"

"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."

"Have you placed her under arrest?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet!

[LongBlade]

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired
arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking

across her freshly mopped floor, they call their sergeant on his cell phone.

"Hello Sarge."

"Yes."

"It looks like we have a homicide here."

"What happened?"

"A woman has shot her husband for walking on the floor she had just mopped."

"Have you placed her under arrest?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet!

I did indeed laugh out loud at that :)

[besilarius]

A woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you sell Viagra?"
"Yes we do," he answered.

She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes it does," he answered.

She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"

"I can, if I take two," he replied.

[Martok]

<snicker>

[Pinetree]