Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)

Started by bayonetbrant, January 31, 2012, 01:01:37 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Mr. Bigglesworth

Quote from: bayonetbrant on May 22, 2012, 05:56:02 AM
Angela Merkel swept into Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asked the irritated immigration officer.
"German". Angela replied.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."


"Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; "
- Shakespeare's Henry V, Act III, 1598

Windigo

My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.

My wife insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know.

Staggerwing

Damn you Kev! I'd been saving that one in my photobucket for a special occasion such as taunting Slaak next time he slithers by...
Vituð ér enn - eða hvat?  -Voluspa

Nothing really rocks and nothing really rolls and nothing's ever worth the cost...

"Don't you look at me that way..." -the Abyss
 
'When searching for a meaningful embrace, sometimes my self respect took second place' -Iggy Pop, Cry for Love

... this will go down on your permanent record... -the Violent Femmes, 'Kiss Off'-

"I'm not just anyone, I'm not just anyone-
I got my time machine, got my 'electronic dream!"
-Sonic Reducer, -Dead Boys

meadbelly

Quote from: bayonetbrant on May 22, 2012, 05:56:02 AM
Angela Merkel swept into Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asked the irritated immigration officer.
"German". Angela replied.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."

Hard to follow that, although a massive cow tongue is in the discussion.

Made me think back to ole' 20th century, and Saturday Night Live's parody ad for "Klaus Barbie's Heil Hits," which included. . .

Poland, come out and play with me.
You'll be the refugee,
I'll be the enemy.
We'll throw a hand grenade into your cellar door, 
And you'll be never more, forever more more shut the door.

I can't find a clip to post.

Marty Ward

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his new Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. And, this is rather awkward to say, but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "Aww, you're bullshitting me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

If women had apostrophes instead of periods they would be even more possessive!

Marty Ward

A man built a robot that was a lie detector. If it heard a lie it would SLAP the lier.

At supper the man asked his son if he went to school that day.
The boy said "Yes." SLAP
"Ok" he said "We were watching a sci-fi movie." SLAP
"Ok, ok" he said, "We were watching a porno."
His father angrily replied "When I was your age I didn't know what porno was." SLAP
The mans wife laughed and said, "He's your son alright." SLAP
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

If women had apostrophes instead of periods they would be even more possessive!

Pinetree

Here's a few bad ones:

What's green and smells of pork?
Kermit's finger.


Why is Snow White still a virgin?
'Cos their all fucking dopey


Seven Dwarfs in the bath feeling happy so Happy left.


What's the difference between a women and an oven?
The oven doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

Gen. Montgomery: "Your men don't salute much."
Gen. Freyberg: "Well, if you wave at them they'll usually wave back."

bob48

Whats the difference between a condom and a coffin?

One you come in, and one you go in.
'We few, we happy few, we band of brothers'

'Clip those corners'

Recombobulate the discombobulators!

Marty Ward

A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say "Hell no they ain't twins you dumb ass! This one here is 9 and that one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam," replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart"
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

If women had apostrophes instead of periods they would be even more possessive!

Marty Ward

Research has led to discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it
comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that normally takes less than a second to take as long as 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization causes more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, which has
half as many peons but twice the number of morons.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

If women had apostrophes instead of periods they would be even more possessive!

Martok

Quote from: Marty Ward on May 24, 2012, 12:57:25 PM
A very loud, very unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say "Hell no they ain't twins you dumb ass! This one here is 9 and that one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam," replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart"
This one's great! 


"Like we need an excuse to drink to anything..." - Banzai_Cat
"I like to think of it not as an excuse but more like Pavlovian Response." - Sir Slash

"At our ages, they all look like jailbait." - mirth

"If we had lines here that would have crossed all of them. For the 1,077,986th time." - Gusington

"Government is so expensive that it should at least be entertaining." - airboy

"As long as there's bacon, everything will be all right." - Toonces

LongBlade

Quote from: Marty Ward on May 24, 2012, 12:58:55 PM
Research has led to discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it
comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that normally takes less than a second to take as long as 4 years to complete.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neurons and deputy neurons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganization causes more morons to become neurons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, which has
half as many peons but twice the number of morons.

Nice.
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

Marty Ward

FRIDAYS

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair,

He has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You
a drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we
do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca.
We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't
have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'

Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars
from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. ;If you get cancer -
no biggie, you're already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it
doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You gay?'

Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough...'
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

If women had apostrophes instead of periods they would be even more possessive!

mirth

What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?


Where's my tractor?
"45 minutes of pooping Tribbles being juggled by a drunken Horta would be better than Season 1 of TNG." - SirAndrewD

"you don't look at the mantelpiece when you're poking the fire" - Bawb

"Can't 'un' until you 'pre', son." - Gus

mirth

What did the absent-minded professor say when he reached into his pockets?

Plums? When did I buy plums?
"45 minutes of pooping Tribbles being juggled by a drunken Horta would be better than Season 1 of TNG." - SirAndrewD

"you don't look at the mantelpiece when you're poking the fire" - Bawb

"Can't 'un' until you 'pre', son." - Gus