Hilarious parenting tweets

[bayonetbrant]

hooboy - some of these hit really close to home...   
The last 6-8 or so are just pure comedy gold


Being woken up by my son's precious laughter would be the absolute best way to be woken up if it didn't actually wake me up.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) November 18, 2014

Experience the feeling of getting kids ready for school by shouting words like TEETH and SHOES into an abyss whilst crying into a cup of tea
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) November 18, 2014

90% of parenting is just walking around yelling "WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES? WE'RE ALREADY LATE! FIND YOUR SHOES!"
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 22, 2014

I set my alarm so I know when I have 10 minutes to leave
and my son poops his diaper to let me know I'm running 5 minutes late.
— Dave Lesser (@AmateurIdiot) November 14, 2014

Things my 2-year-old won't throw a temper tantrum about:
1)
2)
3)
— That's Parenting (@ThatsParenting) November 22, 2014

Don't hate the toddler, hate the tantrum.
— Wonder Kitten (@Tw1tter_K1tten) November 20, 2014

It's when you see yourself in your children that you really start to worry for their future.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) November 20, 2014

"I don't know the answer" I say to my kid as I stare into the electronic device that can potentially connect me to all the world's info
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) November 17, 2014

How do you restore your kids to the factory settings?
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) November 20, 2014

My kid just thanked me for picking up after him.
Did all the snow make hell freeze over?!
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) November 18, 2014

When kids aren't making messes, eating boogers, being annoying, fighting, crapping their pants, getting naked, or puking, they are sweet.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) November 18, 2014

Sucks that the Build-A-Bear is closing by me. Anyone know where else I can buy my kids a $5 stuffed bear for $55?
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 23, 2014

My tween and her erratic behavior and frequent moods swings remind me of someone...
Oh right. Her as a toddler.
— It'sReally10Months (@really10months) November 18, 2014

My 7yo cleaned her room before school. Is this because:
A) My lectures finally sunk in
B) She loves to see me smile
C) She wants something
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) November 18, 2014

I'm giving in and lowering my standards for the day: "just don't break anything and/or make a huge mess"
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) November 17, 2014

"Again, Daddy" to a toddler means, "For my amusement, keep doing this until you pass out, puke, or crumble into a pile of dust."
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) November 17, 2014

Kids are like that big mirror in the hotel bathroom pointing out the zits you were hoping no one would notice.
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) November 18, 2014

FIND THAT SMELL - the game where no one wins.
— Susan McLean (@NoDomesticDiva) November 19, 2014

My proudest accomplishment as a parent is the great amount of times I've said "Quick as bunnies!" instead of "Hurry the F- up!".
— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) November 19, 2014

Organization is a fancy term used by people that don't currently have kids living under their roof.
— John Willey (@DaddysinCharge) November 18, 2014

My 3yo just called from the other room, "Mama? I'm doing something that won't interest you." Any bets?
— Amy Shearn (@amyshearn) November 18, 2014

If a mom buys one giant Costco bag of Stacy's chips, how many bags does she have by the time she gets home?
One. It's just empty.
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) November 20, 2014

[at the grocery store]
4-year-old: I want cookies.
Me: We're not buying any.
4: *licks Oreo package*
Well played.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 21, 2014

If I find one more mother fucking Capri Sun straw wrapper on the floor I'm going to pick it up & throw it away like the other 739 I found.
— Mom of the Year™ (@24HourBitching) November 16, 2014

For some people, suffering means living with a life-long debilitating disease. For my 8yo it means eating last night's leftovers, apparently
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) November 19, 2014

Tater Tot Casserole: Because sometimes a mother's love looks like dog food.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) November 18, 2014

Feeding my kids cold pizza because some day they will go to college and preparation is the key to success.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) November 22, 2014

I have mixed feelings, but I mostly admire the 2yo's ability to show up completely naked to dinner and still demand hot Spaghettios.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) November 21, 2014

Ok, finally got the toddler to bed, let's get this weekend started.
What do you mean it's already Sunday night?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 17, 2014




http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/23/funniest-parenting-tweets_n_6192784.html

[LongBlade]

 ^-^

[Centurion40]

Yep. <sobs quietly>

[MetalDog]

Those are all GREAT!  And they are even better because ALL MINE HAVE MOVED OUT!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Martok]

FIND THAT SMELL - the game where no one wins.
— Susan McLean (@NoDomesticDiva) November 19, 2014

ROFL!!! 

Definitely my favorite.   

[JasonPratt]

Those are all GREAT!  And they are even better because ALL MINE HAVE MOVED OUT!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mine are nieces.  8)

Poor Bro and Ishy often look like they've been run over by orks. Not far from the truth.

[Ubercat]

Why do people even have those things? 

[Barthheart]

Why do people even have those things? 

+100

[Staggerwing]

Why do people even have those things? 

Wow, uhh... where to begin...

You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much they might have a very special kind of cuddling where the man puts his, um... uh... I mean the woman has her, uh...  :-[



:)) Reminds me of a joke:
One day little Billy comes home from school and asks his dad "Where did I come from?"
His dad is somewhat startled and says "I wasn't quite ready to have this talk yet but here goes... ".
After a very uncomfortable discussion has wrapped up Billy's dad finally says "So what made you ask that question, son?"
Billy replies "Well, Andy in Mrs Grant's class said he was from Arizona, so..."

[Barthheart]

Why do people even have those things? 

Wow, uhh... where to begin...

You see, when a man and a woman love each other very much they might have a very special kind of cuddling where the man puts his, um... uh... I mean the woman has her, uh...  :-[
...

Not "How they have them" but "Why they have them".......  :P

[Staggerwing]

It's all in how you read the question- hence the joke at the end.  ^-^

[JasonPratt]

I for one am glad my own parents had a couple.  8)