Today's Twitter follies

Started by bayonetbrant, September 12, 2015, 06:30:05 AM

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bayonetbrant

Quotei only go on ebay after i smoke pot that way i'm always the highest bidder thank you check please

QuoteWomen make better Ghostbusters than men because we are used to caring about invisible problems no one else believes in.

QuotePlot twist: WebMD says you're just thirsty

QuoteMe: I'm definitely over him
Wine: No

QuoteInstead of a block option on Twitter, let's have a "notify his mom" button

Quote"How can I ruin a thing everyone loves?" -- the person who invented macaroni salad

Quote"Dogs are assholes"
DOG PERSON: YOU'RE an asshole!
"Cats are assholes"
CAT PERSON: Yeah

QuoteI'm only up because I'm afraid if I get any more beauty sleep you will all worship me as your queen and I'm too modest for that life.
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

Quote"Hey, baby, you should smile more. And/or don't." --Schrodinger's Cat-call

QuoteFact: When you become old enough to be eligible for Medicare they give you a free beige sedan.

QuoteI want  to see a followup commercial where the wife goes back to bed and the husband has crazy deviant phone sex with Jake from State Farm

QuoteDonald Trump got endorsed by Sarah Palin and the next thing you know he's dropping out of something.

QuoteFood for thought: Were the shower heads in the Beast's castle humans before the curse?

QuoteBeauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.

Quote[Matthew McConaughey gets into Lincoln]
"Siri, you got a joint?"
Siri: No, I do not.
"It'd be a lot cooler if you did."
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

JasonPratt

Quote from: bayonetbrant on December 31, 2015, 10:58:29 AM
Quote"Dogs are assholes"
DOG PERSON: YOU'RE an asshole!
"Cats are assholes"
CAT PERSON: Yeah

As a Cat Person, I can vouch for the validity of this message.  O0
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bayonetbrant

QuotePokémon turned 20 years old today but it has no plans of moving out of its parents' basement any time soon.
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

QuoteIf Jews really controlled the media there would be a lot more stories about calling your mother.


QuoteTwitter is basically America; it's symbol is a bird and most of the things people say are dumb.


QuoteBruce Wayne's parents have died in so many movies I'm surprised he didn't become Catman.


QuoteI don't know who Zayn is but I do know that nobody born in 1993 is old enough to deserve an "Early Life" section in their Wikipedia bio.


QuoteTo watch an egg hunt with more kids than eggs is to deeply understand Lord of the Flies.


QuoteOh please, children, I have an Easter egg hunt every morning. It's called "where the hell are my keys?"


QuoteDating these days must be so hard, because how do you know somebody loves you if they don't make you a mix tape?


Quote"I worry about boys pretending to be trans using the girls room at school."

Yeah one thing teen boys LOVE to do is pretend to be different.


Quotethank God for Batman vs. Superman, after months of Presidential debates it'll be a relief to finally see two narcissistic assholes fighting


QuoteMy 6 yr old asked me if "satire" is like a "flat tire." I told him no. People know how to handle a flat tire.
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

QuoteGetting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.


QuoteYour age can be entirely determined by whether you view selling out as a shame or a goal.


QuoteSleeping Beauty has only 18 lines of dialogue and gets molested while she's unconscious she's like if a fraternity created a Disney Princess


QuoteIf I had a time machine i'd go back & give cavemen some crackers & beer so that I don't have to ever hear about the Paleo diet again.


QuoteBreaking: Oklahoma to change its state motto to "Oklabromas before Oklahomas"


QuoteTrump: I'd date Ivanka if I wasn't her dad.
Me: At least he can't get any grosser
Trump: I could've fucked a dead princess if I wanted to.


QuoteYour call is very important to us. Please stay on the line for the next available representative who gives a fuck.


QuoteIf the Lannisters, Greyjoys, Baratheons and Targaryens had joined forces it could've been called the LGBT alliance.


The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Atilla60

 ;D

You gotta love the Interwebz
It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.
- Sir Winston Churchill -

bayonetbrant

Quote2016's official slogan is "It gets worse."

QuoteI want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

QuoteMy sexual preference is "ugh I'll just do it myself"

QuoteUK people tweeting about US politics: [informed and insightful comment]

US people tweeting about UK politics: So which party is Slytherin?

QuoteYea, I have a beach body. Big, wavy and teeming with crabs

QuoteA family at Starbucks is discussing a relative's intervention, and after an hour of eavesdropping I'll be offended if they don't invite me.

QuoteI just watched a pot til it boiled Mom you son of a bitch

QuoteSince Ariel was 16 when she became human do you think she got her period immediately?
Boss: I meant any questions about the presentation.

QuoteHorse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you've got yourself a crap horse.

QuoteBreaking: Trump dumps Corey Lewandowski; replaces him with younger, hotter campaign manager.

re: GoT
QuoteI've thought long and hard about this and I've decided I want dragons.

QuoteImagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

QuoteI did a lot of stupid shit in college but at least I was never one of those people who enjoyed SpongeBob or Dave Matthews.

The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

MetalDog

Why all the hate for Dave Matthews?
And the One Song to Rule Them All is Gimme Shelter - Rolling Stones


"If its a Balrog, I don't think you get an option to not consent......." - bob

bayonetbrant

Because The Olskies were better at what he did but they never made it big.
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

panzerde

Quote from: MetalDog on June 24, 2016, 07:51:58 AM
Why all the hate for Dave Matthews?


Worse, why all the hate for Sponge Bob?!
"This damned Bonaparte is going to get us all killed" - Jean Lannes, 1809

Castellan -  La Fraternite des Boutons Carres

mirth

Quote from: panzerde on June 24, 2016, 07:57:22 AM
Quote from: MetalDog on June 24, 2016, 07:51:58 AM
Why all the hate for Dave Matthews?


Worse, why all the hate for Sponge Bob?!

The Loofa was better but never made the big time.
"45 minutes of pooping Tribbles being juggled by a drunken Horta would be better than Season 1 of TNG." - SirAndrewD

"you don't look at the mantelpiece when you're poking the fire" - Bawb

"Can't 'un' until you 'pre', son." - Gus

MetalDog

Quote from: bayonetbrant on June 24, 2016, 07:56:29 AM
Because The Olskies were better at what he did but they never made it big.

You think you're going to make me go to YouTube and discover just who these "Olskies," are, don't you?! 
And the One Song to Rule Them All is Gimme Shelter - Rolling Stones


"If its a Balrog, I don't think you get an option to not consent......." - bob

mirth

Quote from: MetalDog on June 24, 2016, 08:16:14 AM
Quote from: bayonetbrant on June 24, 2016, 07:56:29 AM
Because The Olskies were better at what he did but they never made it big.

You think you're going to make me go to YouTube and discover just who these "Olskies," are, don't you?! 

Don't bother. They're a bunch of losers who couldn't make it big.
"45 minutes of pooping Tribbles being juggled by a drunken Horta would be better than Season 1 of TNG." - SirAndrewD

"you don't look at the mantelpiece when you're poking the fire" - Bawb

"Can't 'un' until you 'pre', son." - Gus

bayonetbrant

Quote from: MetalDog on June 24, 2016, 08:16:14 AM
Quote from: bayonetbrant on June 24, 2016, 07:56:29 AM
Because The Olskies were better at what he did but they never made it big.

You think you're going to make me go to YouTube and discover just who these "Olskies," are, don't you?! 

you won't find them on YouTube.  They were done before YouTube was a thing, and no one's ever put their stuff up there.  Sounds like a weekend project for me some time.
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers