Consolidated Thread of All Things Joke-like :)

Started by bayonetbrant, January 31, 2012, 01:01:37 PM

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bayonetbrant

these were sent to me by my father-in-law


# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain.

# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi's last hooker.

# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways.

The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

Two nude statues - one of a man, one of a woman - stand on opposite corners of a park, facing each other. After decades, a fairy godmother sees them and, feeling impish, turns them human. "You have an hour to do anything you like, then it's back on the pedestals with you."

The woman looks at the man and asks, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

He looks at her and says, "Absolutely."

They rush into the bushes, hand-in-hand, and excessive grunting and thrashing can be heard. A half hour later, he steps out, looks at the park clock and calls back into the bushes, "Okay, time's half up. Now you hold the pigeons while I sh*t on them!"
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three.

One to screw the lightbulb in and two to sing a folk song about it.
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "Hey, you're a grasshopper! You know, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Murray?"
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

Tom Ricks tells this story over at Foreign Policy

QuoteFrom a recent speech by Gen. David Petraeus (USA, ret.) to the Reserve Officers Association:

Speaking of reservists, up front I wanted to share with you a story from a recently declassified operation that took place in the Pacific Ocean area, an operation that, for the press, has been unreported until today. During this particular operation, one of our best reserve units was deployed to perform a sensitive mission on a desert island where they had to hire some local inhabitants as scouts and translators. It turned out, however, that the locals were cannibals.

So the commander, who in his civilian life was an expert in foreign languages and in dealing with different cultures and...made a point of speaking to them before the contract was finalized. "You're part of our team now," he told the cannibals in their language. "We'll pay you well for your service, and we'll allow you to eat any of our rations. But please, he said -- please don't eat any of our troopers."

Well, the cannibals responded reassuringly and promised not to eat any of the unit's soldiers, and they then shook hands with the commander and went to work.

Everything was going smoothly until about four weeks later, when the commander called the cannibals together for a meeting. "You're all working hard," he said, "and I'm very pleased with your performance. However, one of our sergeants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"

The cannibals all shook their heads and professed to have no idea of the missing sergeant's whereabouts.

After the commander left, however, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and asked sternly, "Which one of you idiots ate the sergeant?"

The cannibals all hung their heads until finally one of them meekly put his hand in the air and said, "I did."

"You fool," the head cannibal shouted. "For four weeks we've been eating lieutenants, captains and even majors -- [laughter] -- and no one noted anything - [laughter, applause] -- and then you had to go and eat a sergeant." [Laughter]
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

bayonetbrant

C'mon guys...  someone besides me has to have something funny to say!
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Martok

Here's an old Minnesotan joke: 


Why do all the trees in Minnesota lean southward? 

Because Iowa sucks!
 



Another one: 


Why do women in Iowa wear high heels? 

To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground!
 


"Like we need an excuse to drink to anything..." - Banzai_Cat
"I like to think of it not as an excuse but more like Pavlovian Response." - Sir Slash

"At our ages, they all look like jailbait." - mirth

"If we had lines here that would have crossed all of them. For the 1,077,986th time." - Gusington

"Government is so expensive that it should at least be entertaining." - airboy

"As long as there's bacon, everything will be all right." - Toonces

Staggerwing

Quote from: Martok on February 04, 2012, 07:35:54 AM
Here's an old Minnesotan joke: 


Why do all the trees in Minnesota lean southward? 

Because Iowa sucks!
 



Another one: 


Why do women in Iowa wear high heels? 

To keep their knuckles from dragging on the ground!


Somewhere an Iowan is muttering " The other ones was more funnier..."
Vituð ér enn - eða hvat?  -Voluspa

Nothing really rocks and nothing really rolls and nothing's ever worth the cost...

"Don't you look at me that way..." -the Abyss
 
'When searching for a meaningful embrace, sometimes my self respect took second place' -Iggy Pop, Cry for Love

... this will go down on your permanent record... -the Violent Femmes, 'Kiss Off'-

"I'm not just anyone, I'm not just anyone-
I got my time machine, got my 'electronic dream!"
-Sonic Reducer, -Dead Boys

Greybriar

Old fishermen never die. They just can't raise their rods.

People in Oregon never die. They just rust away.
Regardless of how good a PC game may be it will always have its detractors and no matter how bad a PC game may be it will always have its fans.

Epee1

A missionary walking through the jungle was suddenly attacked by a lion.  Knowing that his last moments were at hand, he knelt and started praying.

After a few moments he realized he was still alive, and started to look around, and noticed the lion kneeling and praying too.

The missionary jumped to his feet yelling and shouting, praising God for his deliverance. 

The lion slapped him to the ground with his massive paw, and told the startled missionary,


"Shutup, I'm saying grace."

bayonetbrant

Angela Merkel swept into Passport Control at Paris airport.
"Nationality?" asked the irritated immigration officer.
"German". Angela replied.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days."
The key to surviving this site is to not say something which ends up as someone's tag line - Steelgrave

"their citizens (all of them counted as such) glorified their mythology of 'rights'...and lost track of their duties. No nation, so constituted, can endure." Robert Heinlein, Starship Troopers

Keunert

Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
Oscar Wilde

Special K has too much class.
Windigo